I'm So Disappointed

We had big plans to go camping this weekend, but it doesn't make sense to camp when I would drive pretty far every night to go to work, so we decided to stay home instead. I was really looking forward to it too because we were going to be camping with some friends from church. Maybe we can go another time this summer and get our friends to go then.

Have a great day and God bless you and yours!

A True Blessing

I work for a couple who have been married for 67 years and they still are so in love that it is a true blessing to watch them interact with one another. He can walk in the room and her face lights up, and he can talk about her and his face lights up. I feel so blessed just being in the same room with them.

I hope and pray that Stanley and I look at each other like that when we have been married that long.

What If ...?

We had a meeting about my diabetic son yesterday and it really got me to thinking. What if junk food and sugary foods were obsolete? Wouldn't the world be so much healthier? It wouldn't change my son's disease, but it would sure help his blood sugar if he couldn't eat all that junk.

The school my kids attend have smartened up, they have taken vending machines and sodas out of the school and replaced them with juice, and healthy snacks. Think of how that would change people if everybody did that. There would be less obesity and diabetes and less heart disease and stroke.

I'm sure God would be pleased too because we are to take care of the temple (our bodies) and eating all that junk is not taking care of the temple, it is corrupting it and causing disease. What do you think?

I Feel Blessed

I really enjoyed church this morning and tonight. I love being in God's house with God's people. Too bad everyday isn't Sunday.

Busy As A Bee

Today I will be spending much of my time cleaning my house. I have been neglectful of my duties, and my house looks like a cyclone has hit it. No really! I will also be talking to God and listening to him as I clean. I really need his guidance about something right now.

I have felt God's presence and his blessings so strongly this week. And just like Satan, he smacked me in the face when I was sitting on cloud nine. I know that with God's strength I can defeat Satan and be victorious once again.

Have a great day and God bless!

My Testimony - Part 1

To get where I am today, I had a long road to go down. I am breaking my testimony up into several parts because of how long that road is. I will start with some background information. If you have any questions or comments, please fell free to ask/make them.

I was born on May 14, 1974. My mother married my dad after one failed marriage, her and her first husband had a son. With my dad, my mom had my older sister and then myself. When I was 3 my parents got a divorce. My dad got custody of my sister, mom got custody of me. Mom & dad were suppose to make sure my sister and I saw each other every weekend, but I don’t remember if that happened or not. Dad would come and get me every other weekend and a few weeks in the summer, when mom would let him. My dad was an alcoholic ever since I can remember. Alcoholism eventually took his life which is a big part of me finding my way back to God. I will go into this more "in depth" later.

My dad remarried another woman shortly after the divorce with my mom (from what I gather), and mom moved to a different town. Dad adopted his new wife’s daughter and eventually had my younger sister "C" years later. When I was 5 years old I got to live with my dad while I attended kindergarten. When school was over, mom came to get me and then not very long after she got married to a man I’ll call "DC".

We were attending Rosebower Baptist on a regular basis, back when the fellowship hall was in the sanctuary and the Sunday school building had the fellowship hall in it. I loved going to church, everybody knew each other and was friends. I remember going to "MB’s" house after church to eat lunch, and I remember going to the Pastor's house on several occasions. We were really involved with church, and I would help invite kids to church on the weekends with "DC" and mom, and even the Pastor and his wife and kids. The Pastor’s wife was my Sunday school teacher, and their daughter "A" was in the class too.

Our Pastor (Bro. P) was like the jolly green giant to me, I wasn’t scared of him really, I was just intimidated by his size. He is a very tall man. He is still tall to me now that I am grown. Anyway, back to the story. I was a very shy little girl. I remember one Sunday morning when I was 8 years old, Bro. P was preaching a real good sermon. I was starting to feel weird and didn’t know why. Then we started singing the invitation and God was really working on me. I wanted to go forward so I asked my mom to go with me. She told me that she couldn’t go with me, that this was something I had to do on my own. I then decided that I wouldn’t go if I had to go alone, so I stayed where I was.

After church, mom explained to me that when I was ready to be saved, I would walk to Bro. P on my own. That this was between me and God and if I was ready, not even shyness could stop me. All I thought was that I wouldn’t go by myself so I wasn’t worried about it any more.

At the evening service, Bro. P was once again preaching a good sermon. Once again I could feel that God was working on me. I tried real hard to ignore him. During the invitation that feeling was so strong that I couldn’t ignore it anymore, so I let go of my song book, and slowly walked toward Bro. P. He seemed to get taller and taller the closer I got. What seemed to be the longest walk in my life was almost over, and I didn’t know what to expect, I was a little scared. To my surprise, Bro. P got down on one knee to greet me. I told him I wanted to be saved. We talked a minute and then he took me in a room just off the sanctuary where I talked to several people, Bro. P, his wife, and the song minister Bro. B. After a little while, I prayed and invited Jesus in to my heart and then Bro. P announced it to the church and everyone shook my hand.

I think it was a couple of Sundays later that I got baptized. I still remember that day like it was yesterday. I was so excited. I remember I really liked Bro. P after I got saved, I wasn’t scared of how tall he was anymore. He was my new friend. I thought it was the neatest thing when he said “I baptize you my sister”.

A few weeks later I woke up for school not feeling very well. Mom said my neck was swollen and thought I had the mumps. She didn’t want me to go to school, but I had never missed a day and I wasn’t about to start because I was sick. Once I was at school I started to feel worse and then I vomited all over my class floor. Needless to say, mom had to come and get me.

I went to the doctor for tests and then back home. Mom told me I was really sick. The next thing I knew the doctor was calling and telling mom that I had to be hospitalized. I was so scared. Mom told me that if we would hold hands and pray, that God would answer our prayer. So we did, and we prayed that God would heal me and that I would be ok and wouldn’t be scared anymore.

Mom left to go get me some things for the hospital. "DC" (my step-dad) told me he heard that I was really scared, I told him that I was scared, but that mom and I had prayed and I knew that God was going to take care of me. I had alot of faith in God for an eight year old child. I went to the hospital and the moment I walked in I was vomiting again. See what had happened was that I had strep throat a few weeks earlier but mom didn’t know it, she just thought my throat was a little red. That strep infection went to the tubes of my kidneys and was causing my kidneys to fail. It is called Post-streptococcal glomerulonephritis.

Shortly after arriving at the hospital, I went into a semi-coma. Luckily for me I had a doctor who trusted God. He waited everyday to keep me off dialysis. After being in a semi-coma for about a week, I woke up. I remember Bro. P and Bro. B coming to visit me. My class had made me a Halloween poster and one day it fell on Bro P’s head, I thought that was so funny. I got better everyday and a week later I got to go home with a restricted diet. No salt, no soft drinks, and lots of cranberry juice.

I don’t know exactly how much time went by, but Mom and "DC" split up and we lived on Sharpe School Road in a mobile home owned by one of the men at church. We kept going to church. Then more time went by and we moved and I don’t remember going to church anymore. I know I was in 5th or 6th grade. I don’t really know why we stopped going to church. I guarantee you that my mom regrets that decision now.

I didn’t really have time to grow in Christ before we stopped going to church. I was still a babe, that’s for sure. We still prayed and read our Bibles, but it wasn’t the same. You just can’t live the Christian life outside of church, it isn’t possible. I know a lot of things in my life would be very different if we had stayed in church. I guess you live and you learn.

I will pick up from here next time.

My Testimony - Part 2

I warn you, you might want to grab a tissue if your a sensitive person. This part of my testimony will be a little harder for me to write, and probably a little harder for you to read.

Mom and I are out of church. We still pray and talk to God, and we still read our Bible. It is really hard for a young child to read and understand the Bible without a teacher of some sort. I know it came to a point when I stopped reading my Bible. Mom has pretty much always read her Bible, she still does.

I don't want to go too "in-depth" into my childhood because for the most part it was boring. I do have to go into some pretty painful things for you to truly get the whole picture. This is definitely the hardest part for me because I have to admit the things I've done wrong. It makes me sick, but here goes.

I mentioned in part 1 that my dad was an alcoholic and that he came to get me every other weekend and in the summer. A lot of those weekends he would be sitting in a bar drinking and my step mom would send me in to get him. There were many weekends that I was at my dad's that I didn't really spend any time with him because he was spending time with the bottle. My dad would drive home drunk and pass out in the driveway, the second he turned off the ignition. I knew that eventually alcohol would kill him, but I prayed so hard that it wouldn't.

My dad didn't go to church. My step mom did though. I remember right after I was saved, I asked my dad if he was saved. All he told me is that he was too mean to go to hell. He laughed and so did I and that was pretty much the end of it. I didn't even push the conversation. I would regret that years later.

I remember when I was real young, my dad came to get me for the weekend and my mom wouldn't let me go. I remember crying and screaming and begging to go to daddy's house, but she kept saying no. Dad called the police but they wouldn't make mom let me go with dad. I will never forget that day as long as I live. I was talking to my daddy through a window screen in the bedroom, begging and begging and mom made someone come in there and make me stop. This memory haunts me.

My mom and dad didn't part on good terms so they used me as a way to hurt each other. Mom would constantly talk about dad, then when I told dad he would start talking about mom. I was told things about my dad that no child should ever have to hear. The things dad told me about mom were things that I seen with my own eyes. Regardless, it was very traumatic for me to have to hear all of those things about the two people I loved most in the world. They thought they were hurting each other, but I was the one getting hurt.

I believe my mom had good intentions and really loved me, I think she was just very insecure and was afraid that I might love daddy more than her. I know she didn't want me to like my step mom, and eventually she planted so much in my head about my dad and my step mom, that my step mom and I hated each other. It didn't help that one day my step mom beat my sister with a high heel shoe and I had to carry her to her bedroom. I threatened to kill my step mom that night, and I was young too.

I remember one weekend, daddy came to get me for the weekend and my step mom told him that he didn't ask her permission to get me. They fought and the next thing I knew my dad was telling me that I had to leave. My own dad was making me leave because his wife didn't want me there. To this day that still makes me cry.

My sister, who lived with dad, ended up having to move out because it got so bad. It is hard to think that my dad chose a woman over his kids, but I guess he did. She moved in with my Godparents who lived across the street. One night she got a gun and had it pointed across the street, waiting for my step mom to come home. I really believe she would have shot her if she could. That is how bad things were then.

As I grew older, I learned to tolerate my step mom. We knew we didn't like each other, but I loved my dad and I wasn't going to let her come between us. My step mom had my younger sister when I was seven years old, and when she got big enough, she started beating her. We told dad, but he just escaped it by drinking.

You throw a few more stories like that in, a lot of drinking, a lot of fighting, and that was pretty much my childhood. I did have some good times with my dad, don't get me wrong. We had several good weekends and vacations that I actually spent some time with him.

While some of all that was going on, at DC's house (my step dad), he played the part of a good dad for a while. One day his dog attacked me and I had to get stitches in my ear and my in my head. He was mad because he had to keep the dog tied up. Him and mom started having problems, and according to mom, he got mad when I called mom to come and get me at dad's because me and my step mom had gotten in a fight. Mom says that DC wanted me to spend the whole summer with dad so that him and mom could be alone.

One day when I got off the school bus, the dog that had attacked me came running toward me and I fought to get back on the bus. Mom ended up getting the dog and I went in the other door of the house, DC held the door shut and wouldn't let me in. Then after I screamed (because I was terrified of the dog), he let me in and then called me a baby. Right after that mom and DC split up.

Mom and DC dated years and years after they split up. I always thought it was funny that they got a long better divorced than they did married. I got over DC calling me a baby and letting the dog out and we became good friends.

Forward many many years. I am now a teenager and stupidity has taken over. I was a good kid until my teenage years...I had my first sexual experience at age 13. That is every mother's nightmare. To be honest, I truly believe that I was looking for love and acceptance. I knew my mom and dad loved me, but at times it seemed like it was dependent on what I did or didn't do. My parents don't even realize the emotional scars I have that were caused by them. I am not blaming them by no means, I am responsible for every single one of my actions. I just know that I was searching for something that they weren't providing.

When I was in 9th grade, I started dating a Deacon's son and started going to Hardin Baptist Church with him and his family. I was enjoying church and realized that I needed to change and tried hard to be a better Christian for a little while. He was a senior and I got to go to prom with him, which was pretty cool. This boy broke my heart by dumping me and asking out one of my best friends.

Years went by and I am now 17. I met Stanley about a year before he asked me out. Finally he asked me out and I said yes. He was 28, which I lied to mom and told her he was 21. She later found out and was mad at me but she liked Stanley and so she let us continue to date. That was in July of 1991. I fell in love with Stanley almost instantly. I knew in my heart that he was the "one". Shortly after I found out I was pregnant but then I had a miscarriage. Four months later I ended up pregnant again with Austen.

Stanley and I got married on April 10, 1992. I turned 18 on May 14. In September of 92' Austen was born. Things started going downhill from there. I was young and so naive. I got a job working afternoons and ended up committing adultery with a co-worker. I never thought in a million years that I would cheat on Stanley, I loved him so much.

My life was a living hell after that. Stanley was so hurt that all he could do was torch er me with what I had done. I was so miserable that I took a whole bottle of Ibuprofen, hoping I wouldn't wake up the next day. It didn't kill me, but I didn't have a headache for a month. I then got pregnant with Tanner, and then when Tanner was two months old I found out I was pregnant with Coty.

We lived in a small trailer. We had three small kids. We couldn't afford to buy anything we needed seemed like. We were both miserable. Stanley thought we would make it, I was ready to give up. I got another job and ended up committing adultery again. This time it didn't bother me so bad. I wasn't happy and I was looking for a way out. We weren't living the kind of life that made anybody proud. We did a lot of stupid things.

I filed for a divorce and then I found out I was pregnant again. The man who got me pregnant was now seeing my sister (she didn't know though), and made it clear that he would not be a father to the baby. I told Stanley that I was pregnant by another man and that I needed to leave (we were still living in the same house). Stanley asked me to stay. I thought he was crazy to still want me there, but he did. Abortion was brought up and tossed around, but I couldn't do that. God had different plans than I did, he was going to use this to better me, I just didn't know it at the time.

A few months later I was at mom's dealing with the drama she had forced upon herself. She had gotten custody of my brother's kids, and he didn't know it and was coming to get them. I believed what my mother had told me and so I was trying to keep the peace while keeping my brother from taking the kids. I got beat up in the process. I went to the ER and they said the baby's heartbeat was fine and sent me home. The next day my doctor scheduled an ultrasound and we found out that things were not ok. We also found out that the baby was a girl. Stanley and I had wanted a girl so bad.

It is really hard to be pregnant with another man's baby while living with your ex-husband/boyfriend. It is especially hard to be pregnant with a black man's baby while living in a very racist county. Stanley and I started getting closer while I was pregnant. He knew she wasn't his baby, but it was like he didn't care. We thought I was going to lose her. I was on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy. We just grew closer and closer. I know now that God was using this situation to change us.

I eventually went into labor. My first natural birth. The boys were all born by C-section. I remember when they told me that they could see a head full of black hair. I told Stanley that I was sorry. See, I was hoping that she would be his, even though I knew in my heart she wasn't. Once I knew she had black hair, I knew that she wasn't his.

I still remember the look on Stanley's face when she was born. He was so happy, his eyes were lit up and he had "happy" tears in his eyes. I kept apologizing to him, but he insisted that I had nothing to apologize for. I realized at that moment that Stanley really did love me. I knew I loved him, but once we got married things changed so much that I didn't feel that love from him anymore. I felt it now.

I'm not saying that things were perfect between Stanley and I after Brianna was born. But things were better, a lot better. We started really loving each other. He absolutely loved Brianna, and she was such a daddy's girl. She loved him so much. He would pull in the driveway after getting off of work, and she would run to him with her arms open wide. She knew who her daddy was and they were inseparable.

I am sickened by the person I became in those years. I have always had a good heart, everyone always thought I was so sweet and nice. I know a lot of those people changed their minds, and that's ok. To have done all of those things after I was saved ... it kills me inside. I hurt so many people, but most of all I hurt God.

The next part (and hopefully the end) will be about the years leading up to where I am now and how God got my attention. This part will be the hardest for me to write because of the loss I suffered. It is the most amazing part though. Until then, God bless you!

My Testimony - Part 3

Hopefully I will be able to finish my testimony with this part. This will be very emotional for me, but I also think all of this is very good for me.

I am leaving out a few things. There is no way I can write all the things that have happened in my life. I can tell you that Stanley and I hurt each other, it wasn't one sided. It isn't my place to tell you about his part, it's his. I will have to tell a little bit because it helped me find my way back to God. Again, you may want to grab a tissue.

We had moved to Mayfield when Brianna was born. We had problems with family and just didn't want the racial slurs and stuff like that. Things continued to get better for Stanley and I after we moved away from our parents. If our parents would have had their way we have completely split up.

My dad called one day and asked me to move to Webster County to be with him. He thought he had cancer at first and he wanted to get to know his grand kids a little better. He found out he didn't have cancer but he still asked us to move, and so we did.

We bought a huge house in Webster County. It was two story and was over 3000 square feet. Dad helped us fix it up and before long we had turned it back into a beautiful house. Then dad got on a drinking binge and wanted to fight with us all the time. At one point I thought Stanley and him were going to fist fight, because daddy could say such mean things to me and it made Stanley mad. Thankfully it never got to that point.

Dad and I started to get close. We lived not even a mile from each other, but we would talk on the phone for hours and hours. We would visit and ride around together too, but mostly we talked on the phone.

After a few years we moved back to Marshall County. Dad and I remained close. He had always told me that I was his baby, that my younger sister "C" was actually the baby, but I was his baby and that I was more like him when he was sweet. My dad was the nicest guy you could meet when he was sober, but he was the meanest when he was drinking.

I was so tickled that I finally had a good relationship with my dad. You could tell that it made mom jealous. You would think that she would be happy, but like I said before, she was insecure. Mom was the main reason we (dad and I) didn't have a good relationship when I was a kid.

Stanley and I became the life of the party back in Marshall County. We would have cook-outs on weekends and have lots of friends over. We would drink a few beers and play cards. At the time we thought life was great, but it doesn't take long for reality to kick in.

There came a point in time when Stanley's ex-wife moved in right beside us. Yeah, that was fun. If you didn't know that Stanley had been married before, well he had been, for about two years. They divorced in 89'.

Well she became quite the friendly one. We started playing cards with her and her fiance' on the weekends. Then she would talk about us behind our backs. This didn't settle well with me. At that time I was hot tempered and would have kicked some "behind" if I thought I would have stayed out of jail.

Stanley and I were going to daddy's house from time to time and spending the weekend with him. We were really growing closer and closer. The last weekend we had spent with dad was in February. We had been planning on it again, but dad hadn't been feeling well. He came to see us on a Thursday and took us out to eat. We spent a few hours together and then he left. Little did I know that this would be the last time I would see my dad happy and full of life.

That weekend, sis and her girls had come to spend the weekend. Sis and I had stayed up all night on Saturday night. I had meant to call dad Saturday night, but the time got away from me and dad went to bed early, so I didn't. Sunday we had gotten up late, Mom was over and we were all talking. The phone rang, my sister answered it, and the next thing I knew we were on our way to Deaconess Hospital in Evansville.

My dad had been driving to take my younger sister her license plate and had been drinking. He didn't feel good and stopped to lie down for a few minutes at his brothers house. He got up a short time later and drove away. He had a heart attack just down the road and went straight through a curve and hit a big oak tree about 10 feet up in the air.

When we arrived at the hospital, my whole family was there. My ex step mom was there and her and my younger sister were trying to cause a stink about who would see dad first. Sis, me and dads girlfriend went in first. I didn't even recognise my dad. The only way I knew it was him was by his hands. His head and face were swollen so big. At this time all we knew was that he had a wreck, we didn't know anything else.

That night dad's girlfriend and I were in the waiting room, the nurse flew in and said we needed to come quick. Dad was seizing and they wanted to know if they were to do CPR if he coded. We said yes. We didn't know what was wrong with him really. We knew he looked bad and couldn't talk to us, but we didn't know why.

The next day we went in to see him and when I held his hand it felt like he was holding mine and pulling me into him. The nurse told me no, that he didn't respond to deep pain, and that his brain waves showed very little activity. She said he didn't even know that we were there. Later it got to where every time we walked into the room, he would start seizing, his blood pressure would go up and his heart rate would go up. They told us we couldn't talk to him or touch him anymore. So much for not knowing we were there huh?

The next day, the doctor told us that at best that dad would live in a nursing home with feeding tubes. He told us that he would never be able to talk to us or live a normal life. This was hard to take, but I knew what dad wanted me to do.

My sister was talking to me about pulling the plug because that is what dad wanted. It seemed everyone was ready for it. I couldn't do it yet. I needed time. I went in on visitation with him by myself and I started witnessing to him. I guess this was the first time in my life I had actually witnessed to anyone. I had already prayed more in those few days than I had all of my life. I told dad that if he wasn't saved that he was going to hell. I cried and begged him to accept Jesus as Lord and Savior and ask God to forgive him for all of his sins. I didn't want my dad to go to hell. I was praying that he heard me. It really shook me that I didn't know if my dad was saved or not.

I prayed about daddy and God gave me real peace. I told daddy that it was ok for him to go and be with Jesus, that I would be ok. See I truly believe that all that seizing daddy was doing was his way of fighting and trying to make it for me and my sisters. That was the kind of man he was. I believe he knew when I first seen him that I was hysterical crying. I begged him to fight.

Stanley told daddy that he would take care of his girls. That he could go in peace. At the next visitation, dad's heart rate and blood pressure had fallen drastically. It kept falling at every visitation. The next thing I knew, the doctors were telling me it was time to make a decision. He was fixing to bleed out and they were sure he would be gone by the end of the weekend. I got with my sisters and we decided to take him off the breathing machines. We all went in the room with him, we talked to him and cried for a long time. Then we told them to take the tubes out. 15 minutes later he died. That was on a Friday, April 18th 2003.

My sisters and I went to dad's house to await the funeral. They funeral director wanted us to have the funeral on Easter Sunday, but we opted to do it the following Monday. We were going through dad's things and found a Bible with his name in it and in his handwriting, there was a "born again" date. I was so happy. I should have known before when I had peace about it. I guess I didn't trust God, or know then that it was God telling me.

I became the Administrator over my dad's Estate. I held up pretty good for a while and then I started to mourn very hard. I cried constantly it felt like. I became very bitter and angry with my mom. She had taken some time with my dad away from me, and I couldn't get that back and I was mad as mad could be. I really started to despise my mother. It got to where I couldn't mention dad without crying. I still have problems now, time to time.

I miss my dad terribly. He was the one that I could laugh and tell jokes with, get great advice from, and the one who was always honest with me no matter how bad it hurt. He meant more to me than I ever knew, it just took him dying to figure it out. I mourned so hard for so long that I actually believed that I needed medical help.

Then in August of 2003, I had decided that I needed to remarry Stanley. He had asked me for years, we never really split up, even with the divorce we only was separated for less than a week. I kept telling him no. I didn't want to marry him unless I knew it was right, meaning - I knew we had grown up enough not to do stupid hurtful things to each other anymore. We finally got married again on August 8th 2003.

We were still partying and having a big ole' time. Then something happened that shook me to my core. I found out that Stanley had visited one of my friends one night and that him and one of my best friends had kissed one night at a club we went to for New Year's eve. I went nuts. I never expected my best friend to hurt me like that, or Stanley for that matter.

Things went from bad to worse. I felt like Stanley was talking to and spending too much time with his ex wife and a few of the women in the neighborhood. I was still so hurt over what had happened with one of my best friends. yeah, it was just a kiss, but to me he might as well had fully cheated on me because it felt the same.

Things had gotten really ugly between us. We were fighting all the time and I really thought I was losing my mind. One night I was in bed when he got home from work. He was mad because I was in bed and that he had to cook, so he made me get up. I knew we were gonna fight, that's why I was in bed. Once I got up it got ugly fast and the next thing I knew I had slapped him and he had punched me and we were both sitting in jail.

If sitting in jail don't get your attention, nothing will. Again I prayed. I prayed hard too. I just knew we were going to lose the kids because we had hit each other. They were outside when it happened, but I think they were looking in the window.

The next morning we both got bailed out by our parents. They told us we couldn't see each other until after we went to court. I was ok with that because to me, it was over. I had enough. It didn't take long for me to realize that I didn't want it to be over. I believe while we forced to be apart, I truly realized just how much I loved Stanley. I had been with him for a long time, yeah we had a lot of problems, but for some reason we were staying together.

We finally went to court after a couple of weeks of being apart. I had never been in trouble before so they diverted mine. Stanley got a 4th degree assault charge. Things started to really change again for Stanley and I after that.

Then some time later, my family was fighting. Mom had caused so much trouble for my brother, that my brother couldn't take it anymore, and then Dexter told something on my mom to keep himself out of trouble, and then mom was arrested because of it and things went downhill from there. My sister and brother and I were fighting, I was the only one talking to mom, and I was at my wits end. I missed my dad, and I was missing him so much that I just couldn't take it anymore.

I had smoked for 18 years and I prayed for God to help me quit. The next thing I knew I was quit. then I met this sweet older lady who had a place of fellowship and wanted me to come. I had heard the song Jesus Take The Wheel, and when I got home I downloaded it. All the kids were at school, Stanley was at work, my sister and I were not talking unless it was ugly, and I was at the end of my rope.

I played the song and began to ball like a baby. I got down on the floor, on my face and began to talk to God. I knew I was saved when I was little, but Satan had made me doubt it so I went through all the steps, telling God that I just needed to be sure. I begged God to forgive me for being away for so long and I started confessing my sins to him. I talked to God for a long time that day. It must have been a few hours. I asked God to reveal himself to me. I told him I would go wherever he wanted me to go, and I would do whatever he wanted me to do, I just needed him to reveal himself to me.

That evening, Stanley came home from work. I was sitting in the chair with tears in my eyes. I told Stanley that I didn't care if he went or not, but that I was going to go to church. He said ok, he would go to.

We started going to a place called "The House Of Prayer". This older lady and her husband and another woman and her daughter were the only ones who went. It wasn't a church, but God put her in my path for a reason. She got me ready to go back to church. She was teaching me the basics. It didn't take too long before we figured out that she believed differently from us and that we needed to be in an actual church.

I prayed for God to lead us to the right church. I even prayed that he would send a person to represent a church to our door and we would go there. The next day there was a knock on the door and it was a Jehovah's Witness. I politely took her literature and closed the door while telling God "That's funny".

I prayed again that God would lead us to the right church. We had been planning on going to Calvary Baptist, and at the last minute Stanley said we should go to the place I went to as a child. So we did, we went to Rosebower that morning and I can tell you that I knew I was in the right place the second I walked in the door.

I hadn't been there in 24 years, but I felt like I was home. A little over a month of being there, all of my kids were saved and baptized. I will never forget the day that Stanley and all of the kids but Tanner were going to be baptized. I knew Tanner had been under conviction, and Satan was working hard to keep from making a decision. I prayed and prayed so hard for Tanner all the way to church. then I prayed for him in Sunday School, then I prayed for him during the service, then I prayed for him during the invitation ... I almost fell to my knees when I seen him go forward during the invitation. All I could do is cry. God is so Good.

I guess one of the reasons I decided to tell my testimony is because you can't see where someone is or where they are going unless you know where they have been. I get a lot of questions from people when they see Brianna, some people will come right out and ask, others want to but don't. I'm sure some people will read this and run and gossip about it. Some people will be blessed by it, and some will never read it. Some will possibly think worse of me. All of that is ok.

I don't particularly like telling my story, I just felt I needed to. I just hope that people see the grace of God through my testimony. There is nothing in my testimony that glorifies me at all, it's all about the glory of God. He is awesome and so forgiving. I don't feel unloved and unaccepted now that I am back on the path with God. I feel totally accepted, loved unconditionally, and a happiness that is indescribable.

I am so thankful to God that he wouldn't let Stanley and I part. He knew we would finally find our way back to him and start living the life he wants us to have. I am so thankful to have Stanley in my life. Stanley is an awesome husband and father. He is truly the love of my life.

I pray that if you don't feel the love of God right now, that you search for him and find him. He will give it to you. God bless!

Praises, Lessons, & Blessings - Oh My!

Well praise the Lord, what a beautiful day this has been! I love going to church and being with my brothers and sisters and hearing from the Lord. I could live at church, no really. I love going to church, and I truly love my church family. There is just something about being surrounded by godly people that put you in a true worship state of mind.

Today our Sunday school teacher went over a few lessons we had missed. I don’t know about anyone else, but I sure needed to hear those lessons. See I had been dealing with conflict, not directly, but if I hadn’t called upon a trusted friend, I would have been directly involved because I would have said what I had to say (in not so nice of way), and made a total fool of myself. But, thankfully the Lord led me to this friend instead, and this person put my head back on straight for me.

You know you have a godly friend when they don’t tell you what you want to hear, but they tell you what God would want you to hear. I wish all my friends were that way. I’m learning to search for godly friends, not to say I don’t have friends that aren’t in church, because I do. I believe God puts us all in each other’s lives for a reason. I pray that my friends that aren’t in church will start going to church and feel the love and joy I feel when I am surrounded by people who truly care about me. It is almost as awesome as knowing that Jesus died to save me from my sins…ALMOST!

Well I hope you all are having a glorious day today too. If not, I’ll pray that you do. God bless you!

Did You Know?

That Diabetes is the 4th leading cause of death in the US? Well it is and that scares me because my oldest son has it. I have been praying so hard that he will get the insulin pump. The pump is very similiar to a pancreas, and it will make a huge difference in my son’s life. God has already answered one prayer, and that is the insurance will completely cover the cost of the pump. Pumps run around $6,000-$10,000. We are a family of 6 with one income, so I was a bit worried about paying a big co-pay. God came through for us as always. God is so good!

Why Is It ... ?

That when your life seems on track, you know your living for God, your doing what God wants you to do, that Satan can step in and steal all of your joy? You expect Satan when your doing wrong, but when your doing right, you tend to blow him off like he’s nothing, and then SMACK, there he is.

I keep telling myself that good always wins over evil. I know that God has a blessing for me on the other side of this trying time. I’m just trying not to miss the lesson here. God please let me learn the lesson. Amen!

I do have to praise God for all the godly people he has put in our life. It is a true blessing to be surrounded by loving Christian people who truly care about us and our spiritual needs. I thank God for all he does and I know that everything I do, he has given me the strength to do it. Philippians 4:13

It amazes me how much our lives have changed since rededicating our lives to Christ a year and a half ago. If you think God can’t use you, your so wrong … he can use you if you let him.

Thank you God for all you have done in our lives. Thank you for your love and mercy. Please forgive us for all the bad and help us turn them to good. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen!

Enjoying The Day

I woke up this morning to the sound of my boys and their friend playing the X-BOX. Stanley and his dad are fishing with some of the men from church. Brianna is at a friends house. It is a beautiful day!

I was suppose to go to the Christian Life & Witness Course this morning, but circumstances beyond my control kept me at home. I’m glad that they are having make-up classes. I already have my counselor application signed by the pastor. I am looking forward to being a counselor, I think it will benefit me as well as other people. It is amazing how much you learn and grow in your relationship with Christ by helping others.

God is great and I am off to enjoy this wonderful day that he has made. Have a great and glorious day!