My Testimony - Part 3

Hopefully I will be able to finish my testimony with this part. This will be very emotional for me, but I also think all of this is very good for me.

I am leaving out a few things. There is no way I can write all the things that have happened in my life. I can tell you that Stanley and I hurt each other, it wasn't one sided. It isn't my place to tell you about his part, it's his. I will have to tell a little bit because it helped me find my way back to God. Again, you may want to grab a tissue.

We had moved to Mayfield when Brianna was born. We had problems with family and just didn't want the racial slurs and stuff like that. Things continued to get better for Stanley and I after we moved away from our parents. If our parents would have had their way we have completely split up.

My dad called one day and asked me to move to Webster County to be with him. He thought he had cancer at first and he wanted to get to know his grand kids a little better. He found out he didn't have cancer but he still asked us to move, and so we did.

We bought a huge house in Webster County. It was two story and was over 3000 square feet. Dad helped us fix it up and before long we had turned it back into a beautiful house. Then dad got on a drinking binge and wanted to fight with us all the time. At one point I thought Stanley and him were going to fist fight, because daddy could say such mean things to me and it made Stanley mad. Thankfully it never got to that point.

Dad and I started to get close. We lived not even a mile from each other, but we would talk on the phone for hours and hours. We would visit and ride around together too, but mostly we talked on the phone.

After a few years we moved back to Marshall County. Dad and I remained close. He had always told me that I was his baby, that my younger sister "C" was actually the baby, but I was his baby and that I was more like him when he was sweet. My dad was the nicest guy you could meet when he was sober, but he was the meanest when he was drinking.

I was so tickled that I finally had a good relationship with my dad. You could tell that it made mom jealous. You would think that she would be happy, but like I said before, she was insecure. Mom was the main reason we (dad and I) didn't have a good relationship when I was a kid.

Stanley and I became the life of the party back in Marshall County. We would have cook-outs on weekends and have lots of friends over. We would drink a few beers and play cards. At the time we thought life was great, but it doesn't take long for reality to kick in.

There came a point in time when Stanley's ex-wife moved in right beside us. Yeah, that was fun. If you didn't know that Stanley had been married before, well he had been, for about two years. They divorced in 89'.

Well she became quite the friendly one. We started playing cards with her and her fiance' on the weekends. Then she would talk about us behind our backs. This didn't settle well with me. At that time I was hot tempered and would have kicked some "behind" if I thought I would have stayed out of jail.

Stanley and I were going to daddy's house from time to time and spending the weekend with him. We were really growing closer and closer. The last weekend we had spent with dad was in February. We had been planning on it again, but dad hadn't been feeling well. He came to see us on a Thursday and took us out to eat. We spent a few hours together and then he left. Little did I know that this would be the last time I would see my dad happy and full of life.

That weekend, sis and her girls had come to spend the weekend. Sis and I had stayed up all night on Saturday night. I had meant to call dad Saturday night, but the time got away from me and dad went to bed early, so I didn't. Sunday we had gotten up late, Mom was over and we were all talking. The phone rang, my sister answered it, and the next thing I knew we were on our way to Deaconess Hospital in Evansville.

My dad had been driving to take my younger sister her license plate and had been drinking. He didn't feel good and stopped to lie down for a few minutes at his brothers house. He got up a short time later and drove away. He had a heart attack just down the road and went straight through a curve and hit a big oak tree about 10 feet up in the air.

When we arrived at the hospital, my whole family was there. My ex step mom was there and her and my younger sister were trying to cause a stink about who would see dad first. Sis, me and dads girlfriend went in first. I didn't even recognise my dad. The only way I knew it was him was by his hands. His head and face were swollen so big. At this time all we knew was that he had a wreck, we didn't know anything else.

That night dad's girlfriend and I were in the waiting room, the nurse flew in and said we needed to come quick. Dad was seizing and they wanted to know if they were to do CPR if he coded. We said yes. We didn't know what was wrong with him really. We knew he looked bad and couldn't talk to us, but we didn't know why.

The next day we went in to see him and when I held his hand it felt like he was holding mine and pulling me into him. The nurse told me no, that he didn't respond to deep pain, and that his brain waves showed very little activity. She said he didn't even know that we were there. Later it got to where every time we walked into the room, he would start seizing, his blood pressure would go up and his heart rate would go up. They told us we couldn't talk to him or touch him anymore. So much for not knowing we were there huh?

The next day, the doctor told us that at best that dad would live in a nursing home with feeding tubes. He told us that he would never be able to talk to us or live a normal life. This was hard to take, but I knew what dad wanted me to do.

My sister was talking to me about pulling the plug because that is what dad wanted. It seemed everyone was ready for it. I couldn't do it yet. I needed time. I went in on visitation with him by myself and I started witnessing to him. I guess this was the first time in my life I had actually witnessed to anyone. I had already prayed more in those few days than I had all of my life. I told dad that if he wasn't saved that he was going to hell. I cried and begged him to accept Jesus as Lord and Savior and ask God to forgive him for all of his sins. I didn't want my dad to go to hell. I was praying that he heard me. It really shook me that I didn't know if my dad was saved or not.

I prayed about daddy and God gave me real peace. I told daddy that it was ok for him to go and be with Jesus, that I would be ok. See I truly believe that all that seizing daddy was doing was his way of fighting and trying to make it for me and my sisters. That was the kind of man he was. I believe he knew when I first seen him that I was hysterical crying. I begged him to fight.

Stanley told daddy that he would take care of his girls. That he could go in peace. At the next visitation, dad's heart rate and blood pressure had fallen drastically. It kept falling at every visitation. The next thing I knew, the doctors were telling me it was time to make a decision. He was fixing to bleed out and they were sure he would be gone by the end of the weekend. I got with my sisters and we decided to take him off the breathing machines. We all went in the room with him, we talked to him and cried for a long time. Then we told them to take the tubes out. 15 minutes later he died. That was on a Friday, April 18th 2003.

My sisters and I went to dad's house to await the funeral. They funeral director wanted us to have the funeral on Easter Sunday, but we opted to do it the following Monday. We were going through dad's things and found a Bible with his name in it and in his handwriting, there was a "born again" date. I was so happy. I should have known before when I had peace about it. I guess I didn't trust God, or know then that it was God telling me.

I became the Administrator over my dad's Estate. I held up pretty good for a while and then I started to mourn very hard. I cried constantly it felt like. I became very bitter and angry with my mom. She had taken some time with my dad away from me, and I couldn't get that back and I was mad as mad could be. I really started to despise my mother. It got to where I couldn't mention dad without crying. I still have problems now, time to time.

I miss my dad terribly. He was the one that I could laugh and tell jokes with, get great advice from, and the one who was always honest with me no matter how bad it hurt. He meant more to me than I ever knew, it just took him dying to figure it out. I mourned so hard for so long that I actually believed that I needed medical help.

Then in August of 2003, I had decided that I needed to remarry Stanley. He had asked me for years, we never really split up, even with the divorce we only was separated for less than a week. I kept telling him no. I didn't want to marry him unless I knew it was right, meaning - I knew we had grown up enough not to do stupid hurtful things to each other anymore. We finally got married again on August 8th 2003.

We were still partying and having a big ole' time. Then something happened that shook me to my core. I found out that Stanley had visited one of my friends one night and that him and one of my best friends had kissed one night at a club we went to for New Year's eve. I went nuts. I never expected my best friend to hurt me like that, or Stanley for that matter.

Things went from bad to worse. I felt like Stanley was talking to and spending too much time with his ex wife and a few of the women in the neighborhood. I was still so hurt over what had happened with one of my best friends. yeah, it was just a kiss, but to me he might as well had fully cheated on me because it felt the same.

Things had gotten really ugly between us. We were fighting all the time and I really thought I was losing my mind. One night I was in bed when he got home from work. He was mad because I was in bed and that he had to cook, so he made me get up. I knew we were gonna fight, that's why I was in bed. Once I got up it got ugly fast and the next thing I knew I had slapped him and he had punched me and we were both sitting in jail.

If sitting in jail don't get your attention, nothing will. Again I prayed. I prayed hard too. I just knew we were going to lose the kids because we had hit each other. They were outside when it happened, but I think they were looking in the window.

The next morning we both got bailed out by our parents. They told us we couldn't see each other until after we went to court. I was ok with that because to me, it was over. I had enough. It didn't take long for me to realize that I didn't want it to be over. I believe while we forced to be apart, I truly realized just how much I loved Stanley. I had been with him for a long time, yeah we had a lot of problems, but for some reason we were staying together.

We finally went to court after a couple of weeks of being apart. I had never been in trouble before so they diverted mine. Stanley got a 4th degree assault charge. Things started to really change again for Stanley and I after that.

Then some time later, my family was fighting. Mom had caused so much trouble for my brother, that my brother couldn't take it anymore, and then Dexter told something on my mom to keep himself out of trouble, and then mom was arrested because of it and things went downhill from there. My sister and brother and I were fighting, I was the only one talking to mom, and I was at my wits end. I missed my dad, and I was missing him so much that I just couldn't take it anymore.

I had smoked for 18 years and I prayed for God to help me quit. The next thing I knew I was quit. then I met this sweet older lady who had a place of fellowship and wanted me to come. I had heard the song Jesus Take The Wheel, and when I got home I downloaded it. All the kids were at school, Stanley was at work, my sister and I were not talking unless it was ugly, and I was at the end of my rope.

I played the song and began to ball like a baby. I got down on the floor, on my face and began to talk to God. I knew I was saved when I was little, but Satan had made me doubt it so I went through all the steps, telling God that I just needed to be sure. I begged God to forgive me for being away for so long and I started confessing my sins to him. I talked to God for a long time that day. It must have been a few hours. I asked God to reveal himself to me. I told him I would go wherever he wanted me to go, and I would do whatever he wanted me to do, I just needed him to reveal himself to me.

That evening, Stanley came home from work. I was sitting in the chair with tears in my eyes. I told Stanley that I didn't care if he went or not, but that I was going to go to church. He said ok, he would go to.

We started going to a place called "The House Of Prayer". This older lady and her husband and another woman and her daughter were the only ones who went. It wasn't a church, but God put her in my path for a reason. She got me ready to go back to church. She was teaching me the basics. It didn't take too long before we figured out that she believed differently from us and that we needed to be in an actual church.

I prayed for God to lead us to the right church. I even prayed that he would send a person to represent a church to our door and we would go there. The next day there was a knock on the door and it was a Jehovah's Witness. I politely took her literature and closed the door while telling God "That's funny".

I prayed again that God would lead us to the right church. We had been planning on going to Calvary Baptist, and at the last minute Stanley said we should go to the place I went to as a child. So we did, we went to Rosebower that morning and I can tell you that I knew I was in the right place the second I walked in the door.

I hadn't been there in 24 years, but I felt like I was home. A little over a month of being there, all of my kids were saved and baptized. I will never forget the day that Stanley and all of the kids but Tanner were going to be baptized. I knew Tanner had been under conviction, and Satan was working hard to keep from making a decision. I prayed and prayed so hard for Tanner all the way to church. then I prayed for him in Sunday School, then I prayed for him during the service, then I prayed for him during the invitation ... I almost fell to my knees when I seen him go forward during the invitation. All I could do is cry. God is so Good.

I guess one of the reasons I decided to tell my testimony is because you can't see where someone is or where they are going unless you know where they have been. I get a lot of questions from people when they see Brianna, some people will come right out and ask, others want to but don't. I'm sure some people will read this and run and gossip about it. Some people will be blessed by it, and some will never read it. Some will possibly think worse of me. All of that is ok.

I don't particularly like telling my story, I just felt I needed to. I just hope that people see the grace of God through my testimony. There is nothing in my testimony that glorifies me at all, it's all about the glory of God. He is awesome and so forgiving. I don't feel unloved and unaccepted now that I am back on the path with God. I feel totally accepted, loved unconditionally, and a happiness that is indescribable.

I am so thankful to God that he wouldn't let Stanley and I part. He knew we would finally find our way back to him and start living the life he wants us to have. I am so thankful to have Stanley in my life. Stanley is an awesome husband and father. He is truly the love of my life.

I pray that if you don't feel the love of God right now, that you search for him and find him. He will give it to you. God bless!