Epiphany

After talking with my sister yesterday, I realized that my walk with Christ has changed.  A few things have happened over the years that have left my feelings hurt, and even though I have forgiven, I have not forgotten, and it has changed me.

I haven't been going to church like I did, mainly because of my work schedule, but there are times I don't go just because I don't want to.

I don't serve like I used to.

I don't pray like I used to.

I don't read my Bible like I used to.

I don't feel that closeness like I used to ... That "on-fire" feeling like I used to.

When I served before, I served because I love God so much I wanted to do anything and everything I could for him, not because I wanted to say "Hey, Look at me, look how important I am."

I was on fire for God, I wanted to be in church every minute I could be.  I wanted God to correct me when I had done wrong.  I wanted to feel conviction.  I wanted to do everything I could possibly do to serve, but words and actions by other people made me feel unworthy.

I am to blame, don't get me wrong, I am not blaming it on what has happened to me, I am the one allowing it to do this.  But I want to say this ...

Don't ever act like someone is not Christian enough to serve in Church, or good enough to share the gospel and bring someone to Christ.  Don't ever hurt someone's feelings on purpose and claim it was out of "love"... because your actions could place stumbling blocks in front of your brother or sister in Christ. 

If we do those things, and then act like we are better because we have been a Christian longer, been in church longer, taught longer, served longer, or have more money, or study the Bible more, or whatever the case may be ... we are no better.  We are not to judge to be mean, or to decide who is "good enough" to serve.  God calls us ALL to serve, and to share the gospel.  Jesus died for my sins just like he died for your sins.  So don't ever think you are better than anyone else, because you are not.  WE ALL FALL SHORT OF THE GLORY OF GOD!

Now that I have gotten that off my chest, I am going to run some errands, and then go to bed (for work tonight) and have a long talk with God and see if I can't get myself back on track with Him.  Please pray for me.

Also pray for a health issue ... it may be nothing, but I am worried and stressing and I need to just give it to God.

Update On Obeying God

As mentioned in my previous post, God made it clear to me yesterday morning that I was to apologize to a brother in Christ. I did not know how exactly I was going to do it and at the last minute came up with a plan. I told the person I wanted to talk to them after church, but, I had a deep feeling that I was supposed to go down during the invitation and make a public apology. (something I really did not want to do, and I was trying to improvise) God said uh-uh.

Our Pastor preached on obeying God ... is that not a God moment? ... I was like "OK, I understand, I will do this, just please help me do it graciously." I wanted to do it, I needed to do it, I was just scared to death!!! At the time of the invitation my first thought was to just ask the person to come down with me so that I could apologize to both him and the Pastor (another way to improvise), but again, God said no, he had other plans ... I did not have a plan of what to say ... I just asked God to take over and help me do it.

I ended up making a very public apology in front of the whole church, and afterwards hugged my brother in Christ and apologized again. He apologized to me too, which I had not expected and would have been fine if he hadn't of, but it assured me that God had gotten to us both, and that now everything would be OK.

The only downside to this is that I don't think I apologized to my Pastor, and I had intended to, but once I was put in front of the church with a microphone in my hand, I almost forgot my own name ... I don't speak well in front of large groups. Anyway ... Wednesday I plan on making sure to apologize to my pastor as well.

We felt very welcomed back to our home church. I was hugged by tons of people, and it blessed my heart to know that even when you do wrong, your brothers and sisters in Christ will forgive you and love you anyway! God is good, and all I know is that even when it's tough and not the way you want to do something, listening to God is always the best way. I feel so much better now, and I know that both God and my brother have forgiven me, and now I can be back into fellowship with them both!

Obeying God

Yesterday I was thinking about how God has not given us a clear answer about where to go to church yet. I picked up my In Touch magazine and started to read the daily devotionals and then read some in my Bible. I prayed last night, again, for God to give us an answer we would see. This morning we were watching Faith Center on TV, and then Charles Stanley came on and talked about anger, and how it doesn't matter what someone does to us, we must let go and forgive. Then he told a story about a man that stayed out of church for 5 years over something that Charles Stanley said that made him angry.

I felt so convicted, like God was telling me that in order for me to be forgiven for letting my anger keep me out of my church, I needed to apologize to someone, even though I feel they should apologize to me. I know I have said and done things that have hurt them, and so how can I expect them to do the right thing if I don't? It doesn't matter if they do the right thing or not, I have to do what God says regardless.

I don't know if this means we go back to our church for good, I know the kids really like Pathway, and if it gets them to listen and get fired up for God, than that's fine, but I don't feel like Pathway is home to me. And we have been less involved in church since leaving our home church.

Anyway, I have deleted all of the posts that I made that could have been hurtful to the person I need to apologize to, and if I see more, I will delete them too. I guess I was fooled into thinking that it was OK as long as I didn't mention names, but God knew who I was talking about... I have been very emotional all day since watching Charles Stanley, and even everything that Pastor Mike said seemed to enforce what Charles Stanley said, even though he wasn't saying anything even close ... so I know God is wanting this. Now I just have to swallow my pride, humble myself, and do the right thing ... and that is the hardest part. Please pray for me!

Why I Hate Mondays

We have a 2003 Ford Windstar. Yesterday we were on our way to Wal-Mart to buy groceries when all of a sudden the RPM's went up and the van would not go. We pulled off the side of the road, and then it started going again. Apparently it will go as long as you keep the speed below 40 mph.

Stanley called his dad and asked him if he would sell us his 2003 Taurus and let us pay for it with income taxes next year, otherwise we would be without a vehicle and I would have no way to school. We are still plan on fixing the van, as it has a great motor, it doesn't use a drop of oil, but times are hard right now and we do not have the funds to put another transmission in.

We stopped by his parents house to get the car, and I went in to check on my mother-in-law. She had a stroke two weeks ago and her blood pressure has been running high. I checked mine to be able to gage how accurate her monitor was. My BP usually runs 100-110/60-70 so when it said mine was 110/78 I knew it was pretty accurate. She checked hers and it was 201/100, I immediately told her how dangerous it was for her BP to be that high. She said it had been higher than that and nothing happened ... my father-in-law had tried to get her to go to the hospital over the weekend and she wouldn't go.

I told her she was a ticking time bomb waiting for something to happen, and she needed to call her doctor or go to the hospital, I pleaded with her. I called her doctors answering service and they said to go to the emergency room, so my father-in-law took her, and she is still there this morning, but she may get to come home today. They got her BP down to 170 over something, that's better, but it is still way too high.

Please pray for my MIL, pray that God will direct her doctors to make some good changes to her BP meds and it will start keeping her in a normal range, otherwise she could have another stroke, or even a heart attack.

Busy Couple Of Weeks Ahead

The next couiple of weeks are going to be crazy. I have set up mobile blogging so that I can do it from my phone, but I'm not sure how much time I will have. This is what the next couple of weeks looks like for me. Your prayers would be appreciated, THANKS!!!

Monday April 20, 3009

Medical Microbiology @ 7:45-9:30
Nursing Exam #5 @ 3:30

Wednesday April 22, 2009

Medical Microbiology Lab Exam @ 7:45-9:30
Comprehensive Pharmacology Quiz @ 3:30-4:30

Friday April 24, 2009

All Meds Publishing Campus Labs are Due

Monday April 27, 2009

Disaster Lab

Tuesday April 28, 2009

Nursing Exam #6 @ 2:15-4:00 Anderson Technical Building

Wednesday April 29, 2009

OFF FOR STUDY DAY

Thursday April 30, 2009

HESI Nursing FINAL EXAM @ 2:15-5:15 Anderson Technical Building

Friday May 1, 2009

HESI SCORE REVIEW
Class Potluck

May 4, 2009

Medical Microbiology Final Exam @ 10:00 Waller Hall (LAST DAY OF CLASS)

It's Almost Over ...

I've been studying NCLEX review questions since Friday to prepare for my final exam in nursing on Wednesday. So far I have answered over 500 study questions. The Hesi is only 110 questions, so hopefully by the time I am finished, I will have covered the majority of questions that could be on this exam. I will continue to study until late this afternoon, and then I am just going to relax and get myself mentally prepared.

Today I have to stop by the church and pick up a letter that says I work in TeamKid on Wednesday night, so that next semester the school doesn't put me in a Thursday clinical. If I have Thursday clinical, I can't attend church on Wednesday's because of the amount of paperwork patient care requires. Then I have to take it to the school, and then go to WBH for my pre-op stuff.

Wednesday is my HESI final and then church. I will be glad to be finished for the semester ... my brain cannot handle any new information right now. Its processor is fairly slow these days and I am worried the system will crash :)

Thursday is my surgery! I am not looking forward to the surgery itself, but I am looking forward to a pain-free life afterward (after I heal of course). I have to stay overnight :( ... but I look at it as a vacation from the 5 kids in the house. I love them all with all of my heart, but I will not miss the noise! Have you tried to study in a house with three teenage boys and two pre-teen girls? It isn't easy let me tell you!

I am looking forward to being a couch potato for the rest of the week, I haven't watched anything but ER in a long time.

Well please pray that I do well on my nursing final, and please pray that I have a quick recovery from my surgery! Thank you so much, and have a great, glorious, and blessed day & rest of the week!

SOS - Someone Help Me

I have a bit of a dilemma, and so I am seeking all of your advice. Yesterday I had my interview for nurse extern. They asked me where I wanted to be, I told them ICU. They were thrilled, they needed a student with a year to go to be in ICU because of the heavy training it requires. The catch is that I would need to get some things accomplished this month before school starts in January. Dec. 16th I would have to have an all day phlebotomy class where I would have to get 50 visible sticks, I would have to have several orientations and EKG training, and I would need to work every other Wed. on a midnight shift to get my packet (a check off on all my skills) finished before January. My surgery is on Dec. 11th., and we have tried every way we can to see if I could get all of this done, and I would not be able to because Dr. Hodges will not release me to do all of these things before January.

So I am just sick. I really wanted to be in ICU, and after being in there a year, I would have the training to stay there, and would get so much experience just as a student. She said if I applied for it in May, I might could get in ICU, but she couldn't guarantee that I would stay in ICU after graduation. But she could guarantee that I would get a med-surg floor.

If I weigh the pros and cons, I should go ahead with my surgery, reapply in May, and just pray that I get ICU after graduation. I told mom I was going to have to pray about it, but that I needed my answer by today so that I can call them back and let them know I want the position. God does not work that fast, usually. She said if I go by the Bible, I already have my answer because we are to take care of the temple (our bodies). I could wait for a year for my surgery, but I would have to suffer in order to do that. I really-really want this position, but I also really-really want this surgery so that I can have a normal life again.

What do you think? I haven't had time to do much thinking, I have two tests today. Any words of wisdom to help me not regret either decision?

Let The Stress Begin

This is what my next couple of weeks look like ...

• Dec 1st. 9:05-12:35 Lecture - 1:00 PM Physical Therapy Lab - 3:00 PM Survey @ WBH - 3:30 PM Interview @ WBH
• Dec. 2nd 8:00-12:00 Lecture - 12:30 Proctored Medical Terminology Test
• Dec. 3rd 9:05-12:35 Lecture - 6:30 PM Church
• Dec. 4th Off for study
• Dec. 5th 8:30 AM Court - 10:15 AM Last Chapter Exam (Nursing)
• Dec. 9th 12:15 Lab Work for Surgery & Final Exam (Medical Terminology) May have this changed to Dec. 2nd after other exam.
• Dec. 10th 10:30 AM Final Exam (Nursing)
• Dec. 11th 9:30 AM Surgery
• Dec. 12th Get out of Hospital sometime that morning. - 6:00 PM Husband's Company Christmas Dinner (If I am up to it ... doubtful being 1st day post-op)

Now tell me that these next two weeks are not going to make me crazy, cause I think they will, but I really want to be wrong!!!

Thank God I have 5 days of holiday break (the rest of this week and weekend), to study and relax to prepare me for what is to come. Please pray for me that I accomplish all of my goals with God's help and direction.

Thank you, and have a great Thanksgiving holiday!

It Breaks My Heart

I found myself a bit upset today. Upset because some people I adore are not really being treated very well by others, and it has caused them to not feel welcome at our church. I know there will be some that will say it shouldn't matter what others think, it's about God.

Well God would not treat these people this way. God would be supporting them, showing them love. Not whispering behind their backs or judging them for the mistakes they have made. We ALL make mistakes. No ONE person is better than another, no matter what you may think.

It upsets me, it really does. Especially when it comes from people that should know better. Especially from Christians. I know what I have done in my past, and though I have never murdered anyone, I have broken the Ten Commandments (just like everyone else has), and that is just as bad in God's eyes.

Anyway, we all need support and need to be lifted up when we mess up, not kicked while we are down. It upsets me more just thinking about it. Have a great week.

The Fight Against Abortion

A worried woman went to her gynecologist and said:

'Doctor, I have a serious problem and desperately need your help! My baby is not even 1 yr. old and I'm pregnant again. I don't want kids so close together.'

So the doctor said: 'Ok and what do you want me to do?'

She said: 'I want you to end my pregnancy, and I'm counting on your help with this.'

The doctor thought for a little, and after some silence he said to the lady: 'I think I have a better solution for your problem. It's less dangerous for you too.'

She smiled, thinking that the doctor was going to accept her request.

Then he continued: 'You see, in order for you not to have to take care of 2 babies at the same time, let's kill the one in your arms. This way, you could rest some before the other one is born. If we're going to kill one of them, it doesn't matter which one it is. There would be no risk for your body if you chose the one in your arms.

The lady was horrified and said: 'No doctor! How terrible! It's a crime to kill a child!

'I agree', the doctor replied. 'But you seemed to be ok with it, so I thought maybe that was the best solution. The doctor smiled, realizing that he had made his point.

He convinced the mom that there is no difference in killing a child that's already been born and one that's still in the womb. The crime is the same!

Amen!

UPDATE

Sorry I forget to update for those of you who read my blog. I waited from 9:30 until 11:30 to be called (missed my whole class), and then all that happened was they told me since I could not be at court on the 21st, they would have to reschedule for December 5th. Then they set up visitation with the mother and the man she calls daddy. They get to see her unsupervised (the man supervises with the mother) on Monday from 4-7 and on Saturday 10-3. This keeps them out of my hair everyday, so I am thankful for that. My husband is going off of her bond on Monday, and the man is going on it instead. That too will relieve some added stress.

On December 5th, I think it is the judication hearing where witnesses are present and that is when they may turn it from a neglect situation to a dependency situation. It's basically to prove why there was a need to take the girl from the mother. I don't know if they will let the man have her then or not, social services didn't seem very nice to him yeterday, and they are the ones who tell the judge what their recommendations are, so I don't know ... it is all in God's hands. I am trying very hard to get my will to match His, but it is very difficult sometimes.

I don't know if we will have her for Christmas or not, so I have done a few things just in case. Please continue to pray for us! We want to be in perfect alignment with God's will. Thanks so much!

Court Tomorrow

Tomorrow is court over this girl. The man she calls daddy is supposed to try and get custody of her tomorrow. I don't know if they will let him have her or not because he is living with her mother. That would defeat the purpose of taking her away if she is going to be with her mother anyway.

On one hand I hope he does get her, but I want that for selfish reasons: I am tired of dealing with the mother. On the other hand, I don't want her to go with him because I worry about the what-if's if left with her mother.

The girl has been good for the most part. She has lied to me about a couple of things, but her behavior other than that has been wonderful. She is a sweet girl, she just has been around so much that I am afraid she will end up making some really bad choices in her life. All I can do is pray that God protects her and keeps her safe from what the world has to offer her.

I don't know what God's plan is tomorrow, but whatever it is I am willing to do what HE wants. Even if that means I have to deal with things I don't want to deal with. I'm praying for God's will, not mine. All I can do is just trust God. Please keep us in your prayers. Thank you.

Oh, and I cannot go to the next court date on the 21st. I found out for sure that I will not be allowed to make up the test if I miss it, and that will cause me to fail nursing. Luckily, I have a letter from my instructor asking the judge to change the time.

Dreading The Holidays

The more I look at the extra bills I have for the next few months (county & city property tax, & house insurance ... over $1000 thankyouverymuch), and the more I think about the unknown (whether or not we will have my friend's kid over the holidays, or permanent???), the more I am dreading Christmas.

The economy just stinks, everything costs an arm and a leg, and maybe even a kidney... and so it looks like Christmas will be slim this year. At least we love each other and have a place to live. Some people don't even have a home or family to be with, so I am thankful that I have that.

Once I become a nurse and start contributing financially to this family, I will feel a lot better about the holidays. School costs us about $100 a week, and have you tried to feed three teenage boys? My goodness! Not to mention the two picky girls in the house. Feeding 5 kids on one income is definitely challenging. God does provide, and I thank HIM for that everyday!

At least my sister is cooking Christmas dinner, with my surgery, I don't need to be trying to do that this year. I may try to cook Thanksgiving though if I have time with all the testing I have for this month! Thank God there is just one more month of classes for this year!

This, That, & The Other

Today was one crazy day. It started off with driving to school this morning. I was running late but my gas light was on. I thought I could make it so I drove on. I started running out of gas on I 24 near exit 11. The car died I am guessing about 1/4 mile from exit 11, and somehow coasted off exit 11 to the Exxon station ... It had to have been God getting me there, that was a long way to coast.

Then I went to my Gynecologist this afternoon. I have been having a lot of pain and bleeding when I'm not supposed to be (sorry if that is too much information), and I have a cyst on my right ovary, so I get to have a hysterectomy and my right ovary and tube removed on Dec. 11th. I am thankful for that though, because with all of my issues, I just know that once it's gone, my pain and troubles will be gone too. I know it will take some time to recover from, but it is well worth it if it means that I can be normal again, and enjoy loving on my husband again.

I still have my friend's daughter. I go back to court on the 14th of Nov. I don't see it changing unless the girls daddy gets her. I am OK with keeping her though. I thought it would stress me out but it doesn't. My friend is stressing me out a little bit, but I can fix that.

Just please continue to pray for me/us right now. We have a lot on our plate right now. I have a test Friday that is over a lot of content. I need to study tomorrow, but the girl I am keeping is running a fever, and I may need to take her to the doctor. It's a virus because all of us have had it, so there probably isn't much they can do about it, but I probably still need to take her. I am praying she will feel better by the morning.

God is good, he does provide all of our needs, and he sustains us and carries us when we feel like we can't go on. I thank Him for that, and I praise Him for whatever it is He is doing in our lives. have a great, glorious, and blessed evening!

Needing More Time On My Knees

A lot is going on that I really don't want to "air" in public, but I have got to talk to God, and I ask that you continue to pray for us and the situation we are currently in (previous posts). Thank you.

It's All In God's Hands

I was reading my In Touch magazine devotional this morning, and yesterday too. Isn't it funny how devotionals fit what is going on in your life? Well, anyway, it said that most people want the best most qualified person for a job, whereas, God usually chooses the weaker person because they are usually more dependent on him. And through their weakness, HE is strong.

I can't help but believe that I am not the person most people would choose to take care of a child. I don't think I am a bad mother, but I sure haven't received any mother of the year awards either. Some will say I have too much patience, I don't think I have enough sometimes. But who knows what God could be doing in this situation.

I have left it completely up to God. If HE wants us to take care of this girl, HE will fix it to where the judge says she can stay here. If HE doesn't want us to take of her, the judge will say he wants her somewhere else.

The social worker came by yesterday and checked things out, making sure we had the room for her to be here. She also talked with the girl to see what she wanted. My wish is that the man she calls daddy (not her biological father) could take her and care for her.

I will do whatever God wants me to do. I really don't think I need the added stress with going to nursing school, but I know that God does not give us more than we can handle, and HE will provide and make me strong enough to endure. It is all up to HIM now. Just pray for God's will to be done on Friday morning regarding this situation. Thank you!

Feeling Rushed/Bad

I need to be studying, my daughter and best friend's daughter are having a joint early Halloween/birthday party that I am not even close to being ready for, and I feel ill, I think I am coming down with something.

I need prayer. I need to be able to study, study, study, and I don't need to get sick right now. My grades ARE NOT where they need to be and I really need help to get all of this content into my brain so I can do well on the next 4 tests.

I Need A Boost

I am seriously overloaded. I feel like all I do is read and sit through lectures. I think my brain is going to explode! You might even hear about it on the news ... "Breaking news, a nursing student's brain exploded from information overload today, full story at 10."

Then I hear about all of this election BULL, and get all the nasty emails and people telling me if I am a Christian I must vote for McCain, which just makes me want to vomit. I cannot vote for another 8 years of this mess, REALLY! I want Bill back!!!!

I agree with my BIL (brother-in-law). I think Obama will do more to help the abortion issue than McCain will. At least he voted for programs that gave teens education and contraceptives to reduce teen pregnancies. I mean really, lets think about this for a second--You can't fix the abortion issue if you don't offer alternatives. Abstinence is a great message, but it is not a message everyone will buy into.

The truth is that the world has a stronger hold on our teenagers than God does, and so we have to offer alternatives that fit into their way of thinking, we can't push our beliefs onto other people all the time. It isn't realistic. It's great that we try, but it doesn't resolve the situation!

I am exhausted and I have another sinus infection. I am thinking of buying the Netty Pot, I have been hearing about it for a few years now, and I think it will do me some good. The medicine I need to take for my allergies is about $200 a month ... not including allergy shots. Then they make me tired or agitated, so it isn't worth it to me. I'd rather be stuffy and have a few headaches then be tired all of the time and ticked off.

I really need to sit down and have a long converstation with God today. I have got to forgive some things and work on some things.

Have a great, glorious, and blessed day!

Thank You Lord - I Praise Your Name

I cannot say what is going on ... only because I don't know if the parties involved want me spreading it around just yet ... but I have prayed, and prayed, and prayed, and prayed, and prayed, and prayed ... and prayed some more for God to intervene in a situation that is very close to my heart, and guess what? HE IS WORKING!!! ... actually HE has been working the whole time, it is just the people involved have been in HIS way, not listening, and not doing what they should have been doing. BUT, now they are trying to let GOD fix things, and so I am still praying, and will continue to pray until I know God has fixed it completely. Please pray with me, pray that God will continue to heal this situation, guide this situation, and work through and in the people involved!

THANK YOU GOD FOR ANSWERING THIS PRAYER! I KNOW THIS IS YOUR WILL! I KNOW THAT YOU ARE MIGHTY, WONDERFUL, GRACIOUS, PATIENT, AND FORGIVING! THANK YOU LORD!!!! THANK YOU!!!

Oh Crappy Day

Today was a bad day for me. Today I said all the wrong things, did all the wrong things, and seemed to make everybody mad. I did not intend to do this, but I did it none the less. Seems like I just have those days where I open my mouth and insert my foot. It takes a lot of water to get that foot down too, let me tell ya.

I did somehow manage to squeeze in some homework and take an online test in Medical Terminology and make a 98 on it ... YAY ME! But I am feeling really bad that I hurt a friend. I apologized, but I'm not sure it did any good.